What should i do?
Suddenly, i feel blessed and selfish at the same time.http://65redroses.livejournal.com/?skip=30#home
I think too much sometimes. Way too much... Someone was telling me some stuff and telling me about her life experiences. It was more like how we will see things different as we age slowly or quickly. We may seem to think that 20,30,40,50,60,70 may still be a long way across. I know that it will pass quickly, but not that quickly as i have expected. I dont think that i am ready to handle what is going to be thrown at me. Studies, Jobs, Relationships, responsibilty. They either seem like some form of fairytale of perhaps unreachable. I've never thought that far before. Calcalations. Something essential and that we shouldnt idealise too much.
I hope i make the right decisions as time passes.

The world doesnt really just rotate around me only, like i would had idealised. A prince charming with his castle saving his juliet. These aint reality. What reality is that everyone is dreaming of this non exsistent reality and i am not the only one. I am not as unique as i had thought. The problems i face arent limited to me only. They hit everyone and anyone. Its like awakening in the move 'matix' when you suddenly wake up and realise that you are not a unique individual but a product. Like a chess piece who is able to chart is own route, but still limited to a great extent. Notice the number of times i have used the word ' I" in this post, this is what actually worries me.

Maybe im taking a pessimistic point of view of the life around us. But perhaps my life is still alot better when compared to many others. I still have the chance in excell in life, no disabilities, and good relationships with people. Compared to some counterparts, i am already tonnes better than them.
A couple of days towards the new academic year. I would be 18 that year. Looking back in retrospect would always give you mixed feelings like.... looking back into a garden. You see flowers of all colours, you see the green grass, you feel the loose soil, you smell the fragrant air. If you are lucky, you will see someone sitting by the swing smiling at you. You will also see the muddy patches, earthworms digging through the soil or a decomposing rat. You will see the past, experience the present and feel the future.

So i didnt stay overnight for UTC2010. Well, i did feel a little out of place there. I was overaged by 2 years, and that feeling was kind of weird. Jeremy kept saying stupid jokes and i kept laughing like a mad guy. When i was there, we kept comparing our own experiences with the experiences with our younger counterparts. It was more of a mixed feelings. Sleeping for 8hours and getting buffet as dinner. I got to say that i am too old for all the UTC stuff already, reporting attendace, handling any stealing of banners, all the green bottles.

I remember a particular incident which occured during land expedition when i was the barrack leader 4 years ago. ( whoa 4 years.. im old.. ) Our barrack were at the lagoon at that instant. There was this particluar sec1 who was lagging behind so far that i didnt even bother about him and i kind of got irritated at him and totally ignored him. Something a barrack leader shouldnt do. Well... i dont understand why i did that but i did it anyway. Haha old times. I remember that barrack 2 would be the strongest since they had the 2SIs there and my barrack would be the lousier ones.. hahah the curse of the barrack 4s... i remembered another humbling incident. We were having PT competition, it was the pushup category. I sucked at pushups. It was the norm to hit over 200 pushups then. But then i stopped and did dragon fist only after 100+ pushups... the first person to fall out was the barrack leader. Its quite humiliating to do dragon fist while the entire barrack just carries on.
Its a long day today. Man i think im in love with this song.


I fell a hundred feet when i heard it, you forgot.
The year is ending, christmas is approaching. Time. Something we all yearn for but is constantly neglected.

I have always wanted to get an answer but i know i will not. It doesnt matter anymore to me now since someone entered and redefined the entire sequence. I wouldnt need to know it anymore. I moved on without realising and now pon looking back, i realised how foolish i was. Im glad that all those were past tense and not present or future.

Friends. What are we looking out for? Friends? Or companionship? We are constantly dreaming of a bed of roses in a dreamy land when we negleted the simple daisies jus right outside our doors.
Thanks and i'll really hope thats that is the right one.
i've always wondered for a very long time. What was the actual reason? What was the something ? But i already took off, without waiting for the answer i needed. Lifes good. i have what i need now. Its just a period of self-realisation, or self reassurance instead.
OAC overseas is finally done after much trouble which we met in the process of trying to even make it possible. The end results was tonnes better than expected. Heres a short list of what we had:
1) we are given a approx 60% subsidy
2) we had airconditioners,wifi,water heaters ( this is an overkill ) we were expecting tents!

Haha, well. The trip went well.. watching six movies on the bus... playing with porcupines and getting bitten by cats... taking pictures while crawling flat in the cave tunnels... pretending to be sucked in by the waterfall monster... having war games on the 4-wheel drive..making retarded survivial videos on the 4-wheel drive... having a dodging game with miss yong on the 4-wheel drive... getting splashed by the evil driver behind and screaming like little girls... forest trekking in the rain to see a rotten rafflesia.. tonnes and tonnes of adrenaline rush... naval diver jokes.. fined 120 dollars... getting cheated that AandW is separated between men and women...

Well, maybe i got the aim of my trip, which is to get to know the exco better, since im always the one on the dissapearing act. I think i certainly got to know a few better. Time really flies when you enjoy it.. 3 days just passed with a flash... so fast that im not ready to get back into reality. that always happen...

the times in pahang reminded me of the times i had in mawai. Those times where mad people go madder... the best campfire of my life... hahahaha...well... it is a year since i left VS for NJC, i've completed half my time here. wads in stalled for me in the next year shall be a mystery..

on a side note. miss gao offered a tub of ice cream for any1 who hits 25 pull ups. i shall grab that.
welll.. emo time! -.-

PW is officially over. Time flies when you least expect it to. 5 impossible people gathered together and did the PW project with unexpected results. Well. i have to say im pretty amazed on how we turned out to be. PW is over.

I dont know what i did. Did i take a tour on the exterior of the castle and end up at the same old ground. Or did i enter the castle blind folded and thought that i was still outside the castle? i dont know. I dont want to enter the castle and face the locked door at the highest room.
海鸟跟鱼, 只是一场意外 ,差异一直存在,尝不出还有未来.
I know i won. But i cant see the throne.

Chanced upon jiaxuan, sirong,weewee, at parkway after my pw. It's a nice feeling. I was wondering if I could like see jiaxuan out of pure luck. And sure I did. It was fun, although I coughed straight into jiaxuan's face, and he gave me the walao face. An wee wee and his 'secret codename' hahahah. Time flies. We don't! Hahahahahaa.

Eversince I came njc, I've not been putting my heart into my activities. Cca and many others. Well, I am reminded that I am a black shirt and I shall take pride in that. I shall dig out my wristband and be a good ogl. I nearly took 31 to school today. That sucks. Lingering pain which just strikes whenever it likes.
It feels foreign, like always. Whats underneath? i will never understand.

It's been a long time since I blogged using my phone again. It feels like old time all over again. I met up with bingyu over lunch last Friday before my results were released. Yepp, I love friends in which are just a phonecall away. It feels as if we never left. Then, we met up at dinner again. Must thank all those jerks for actually suaning me about me needing to study for Chinese.

My results are fine, but not brillant as they could be. But I was particularly happy with chem. B! It's my highest grade. Yes, it's far from others who got 3 or 4 As, but I have a life. Hahah, I shall refrain from talking about other subjects, they aren't very great, I just have a long long way to go. I'm going to be j2 next year, 18 years old. I can't imagine that.

I've been hooked up to the Nicholas sparks series recently. I feel that the notebook is the best so far. Well, it just creates the feeling that you want that earth shattering love story to happen to you but you don't want to face the tragic and agony.

I know i kind of won but time flies, too fast, way too fast. I tried picturing faces. I found no more excuses. If i have it, i have it. If i dont, i dont. Maybe, i dont even have it from the start. Can we finally start our conversation?
I know im going to get flamed for saying that my results suck or something. I felt really dissapointed with my results. At first, when i first received back my results, i felt that it was alright at first. But slowly time passes. The pain started to seep in. You suddenly realise that its quite saddening. urgh. idk.
Life has been pretty good to me these days. Well, i'll just leave PW and all the negative stuff out of the picture. Well, I feel that these few days had been relaxing. Just waking up earlier to go for a run or just sitting down in front of the television watching channel newsasia. Its totally relaxing, slowing down your pace of life and just enjoy the tiny blessing you can give yourself. More and more frequently, i find myself enjoying time alone. Simply alone. I would feel like myself and feel really calm. Its like u feel totally in control with yourself, you can control your breathing, your movements, your thinking and as if everything is under perfect control.

It struck me someday that its already 1 year into junior college life. It struck me when i saw the graduation pictures of my juniors, 1 year younger than me. It struck me when i realised that the Sec2 i had taught had already taken over as NCOs. It struck me when my promos are already over. It struck me when i realised my A's chinese paper is 1 week away. It struck me when i realised that theres already a wide gap between the some of us. People come and stay in your life. You look into your reflection and question yourself if that is the real you, or was it a self-constructed image. Do you talk to your friends, or instead speak to your friends? Do you spend time with your friends, or do you enjoy time with your friends? Do you say goodbye or do you mean see you again?

Well. Sometimes the distance inbetween widens. Its reflex. Its conditioned reflex.
I ripped this off Jia Xuan's blog, i think its kind of interesting and meaningful. Yea thanks jx

Market Structure - 4 types of market
[Hmm beware all this is crap :) ]
Like markets, some people really have a "friendship market" of perfect competition. They have "no barriers to entry", which means that it is very easy to socialize with them because they do not form cliques with people that are hard to join. They have many friends because it's so easy to be friends with that person, and he or she is likely to have a great personality to attract everyone. However, because of the fact that they treat every friend equally (equity), they are unlikely to have very good friends.Hmm but I believe this is highly theoretical (like how the lecture note says). This is because it is impossible for people to not form cliques and have better friends, but this is a basis for comparison and analysis.

The next friendship structure is monopolistic competition. This is pretty similar to perfect competition because the barriers of entry are not high - it's easy to be the person's friend because he accepts most people... but somehow he or she only accepts people with "differentiated friendships", people that are unique and are worth making friends with and perhaps reject some with bad personality.

Oh... and we have oligopolies too, its probably the most common type of friendship structure. I guess this is pretty obvious, there are high barriers of entry because there are cliques formed (probably between 3 to 6 people) so it is pretty difficult to be good friends with the person. You may be friends with the person but it may take more time and share experiences to be a good friend with the person. Generally, you would feel an aura around the person that makes it hard to talk to him or her.

Lastly, a extreme friendship structure would be monopoly, very simple to understand actually... one best friend, period. No one else can be very good friends with the person hahaha, since the aura is super strong!